This passage we heard from Ephesians can be a difficult one for us to unpack. It talks about things we don’t like to think about, or that we have strong feelings about and that have often been used to shame or silence us: namely anger and forgiveness. In Christianity as well as in life, I think these two things have been vastly misused and turned into weapons at times. How often have you been told to forgive someone? And how often do you push your anger down because you have labeled it as a bad emotion? Let alone your bitterness, wrath, wrangling and slander!
As I read the passage this week a poem by the Sufi poet Rumi, kept coming into my mind. It’s called The Guest House. This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. For I think often we, as Christians, maybe especially as Minnesotan Christians, have a strange relationship with our emotions, especially ones we label as wrong. Yet emotions are just that. Emotions. They are neither good or bad. They just are. The thing we need to watch for is what we do with them, like the passage says, be angry but do not sin. And I think this may be part of what makes it hard. As a child I was often the recipient of others anger….. mostly not in relation to anything I had done but just because I was there. If my mum was having a hard day, I was there to beat. If my brother had struggled at school, I was there to punch. If nothing had happened, but I was there, I was there to punish. Sometimes there would be words about what I had done, sometimes not. But it could be as twisted as the time I remember my mum saying to me, “Stop turning the pages of your book so loudly.” There I was, just trying to read a book and get lost in someone else’s story and I was hit. It made me believe that pretty much anything I did was wrong. Or maybe my mere existence was wrong. And it led me to suppress my anger and pretend everything was ok, for anger was explosive and unhealthy and painful. For the longest time I denied any feelings of anger that might arise. I would push them deep down so no one would get hurt. I got scared around other people’s anger and could feel myself retreating into those deep recesses of my being just waiting for the punches that came with it. Eventually, after a lot of work, I decided that enough was enough. For the next month I was going to allow myself to feel and express my anger. So I got 30 canvases and a bunch of paint and set aside 15 minutes in my schedule each day. I would sit, inviting my anger to come forth and then paint…. Mostly just splashing paint on the canvas rather than actual painting. Some days I would write. Some days I would paint and then destroy the canvas, slashing it or punching a hole in it. Some days I would sit and look and see the beauty in the painting that had emerged. For thirty days I did this. And it changed my relationship to anger. It made me realize that anger did not have to be destructive. That If I expressed it in a creative way rather than bottling it up then it would pass quickly and without harming anything. And, eventually, it freed my voice so I could speak my anger too…. Again, in loving and creative ways rather than ways that would tear someone else up. This for me is the difference. Be angry but do not sin. Do not allow your anger to be an explosive mess in the world, affecting others who may have done no wrong. Be angry, but do not let the sun go down on it. Don’t bottle it up, don’t hold on to it. Express is well and with love, and then it will dissipate. And then new and delightful things can come in its place. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. And then we have forgiveness. Forgive one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. Forgive us our trespasses. Forgive 7 times 70 times. Forgive. How often has this been twisted and used against you as a ‘should' or expected of you before you were ready. I work with a number of directees who struggle with this thought of forgiveness. Some have forgiven unacceptable behavior just to have it repeated. Others have been told to forgive and forget. Some long for forgiveness from others. And to all, it is a painful thing to contemplate, especially with the outside pressure that comes with it. I read an article recently called Nine Big Myths about Forgiveness. It was written by Pastor Scott Savage. He lists some myths that most of us hold as truth, including Forgiveness is about the other person. If you forgive someone you should forget. Forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing. And, I need to tell the person I forgave them. These, for me, are the most sticky points my directees talk about. I remember Jesus on the cross as he was being crucified, saying, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” In this he was not forgiving them. He needed God to do that. He did not turn to those who were killing him and say “I forgive you.” He did not say, “I forgive you and I’ll forget what you are doing to me.” No. He simply said, “Father, forgive them.” When we are told to forgive as God in Christ has forgiven us, we would do well to remember this. We can cry out to God and ask for God to forgive someone…. We don’t have to be alone in this. As our psalmist said Out of the depths I cry to you, O God, hear my voice. And forgiveness is an act for ourselves more than for the other person. I see forgiveness as a way to loosen the chain of the hurt that was done, until that chain can fall away. To think of the other person without the memory of the pain overtaking us again. To not wish harm upon the other for what they did. To be able to remind ourselves that we are worthy of safety and kindness and love, and to not let what happened to us diminish that. Scott Savage says, ““We believe that forgiveness is about what they did and whether they’ve done anything to rectify their actions. Truthfully, forgiveness is about you (the wounded person) moving on from the offense and living in freedom. Forgiveness is about your freedom, not theirs.” And this is what forgiveness truly is…. A gift to yourself. And it can take time and working through the hurt before we are ready to forgive, it is not a thing to be rushed. Again, from our psalm: I wait for my God, my soul waits, and in God’s word I hope; my soul waits for my God more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning. Of course, in relationships the perfect forgiveness would include everyone involved. There would be a conversation about the harm that was experienced by each person and a way to move forward without that harm repeating itself. And in healthy relationships this can happen. But so often, especially with people who have been harmed by those in power, when power structures are uneven, this does not happen. The person with more power is scared of loosing their power and so may apologize, but the behavior does not change. Or they may continue to justify their behavior or blame the one with less power. The harm continues. I think of people in abusive relationships where there is sometimes a true, heart felt apology of a harm done, although often it’s accompanied by blame of the one hurt, a promise to never hit or hurt again, only to be followed up with increased violence, another apology, another repeat of the cycle. So forgiveness does not need to include reconciliation to be real. And sometimes it is best to cut the ties of the relationship so forgiveness can be found. So often my directees are told, ‘forgive and forget. Just move on with your life.’ And sure, this can sound really nice, for who among us wouldn’t want to forget some great hurt that was done to us. But even if we forgive, the memory will still be there…. Fading like a scar fades, but permanently leaving a mark. So forgiveness does not mean you have forgotten…. And, again, may not include reconciliation. Again, this is a gift for you, not the other person. Nadia Bolz-Weber wrote, “I am going to need to know how to forgive all the people I blame for s*** [stuff] – not because they aren’t as bad as all that, but because I want my heart to busy itself with work other than having to oxygenate toxicity I won’t let go of, and because there are no mornings in which it is not possible to wake up to the news of love and new babies. Life is hard and beautiful and too uncertain to not love ourselves.” Life is hard and beautiful and too uncertain to not love ourselves. How true is that! And how freeing is it when we allow some hurt or toxicity to move further away from our consciousness because we have been able to do the work of forgiveness to free ourselves. Not to let the other off the hook. Not to put ourselves in harms way again. But because we have said, “Father…. Forgive them.” And God has freed us from holding so tightly to the chain of harm so we have more room for the beauty of life to pour in. Because we have done the hard work of looking at the harm done and found our healing in that. Because we have learnt to value ourselves and know forgiveness is what we need to move forward. Which leads me to one more point about forgiveness that Savage did not address…. It’s not quick or easy to forgive! Sometimes it can take years. Sometimes it does not happen until the other is dead. Sometimes it needs to be repeated, over and over until it takes hold in us. And all this is normal and true and ok. Forgiveness is a journey. It’s sometimes like we are carrying a backpack full of rocks and we take a rock out with each act of forgiving until, finally, our backpack is empty…. Or until we realize we can simply set it down as we don’t need to carry it any longer. Our psalm reminds us that with God there is steadfast love. So be angry, but do not sin. Forgive as Christ in God has forgiven. Be a guest house where all emotions are welcomed. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. God’s love is steadfast. And our anger and forgiveness done right, welcome and processed in love, moved through in a way that causes no harm, is a guide God has sent so we may become better imitators of Christ.
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